Feeling Overwhelmed—And a Whole Lot More
I just had “the meeting” with my bosses about leaving again for treatment. They were amazingly supportive, as they’ve always been. As long as no surprises happen on the insurance front, and as long as I’m medically stable enough to be in day treatment, I could start at Monte Nido as soon as Thursday. I got a bit weepy talking to my bosses about the situation, which is very unusual for me. I suppose I’m just feeling fragile today. I’m angry at myself for being back in this position. Sad that I’ve caused my husband and loved ones stress and worry....
Read MorePerspective, If Not Hypocrisy
Perspective: This week, my puppy Stella got sick. It’s nothing serious — the vet thinks that it’s simply a matter of the Purina brand of food disagreeing with her stomach. Regardless, it’s been worrisome and laborious to nurse her through it.I’ve felt anxious and afraid every time she isn’t able to hold on to what she eats. I’ve been inspecting her waistline closely, fearful that she is losing weight. She is already lean to begin with (we think she is part hound), so she really doesn’t have weight to lose. I’ve felt relief and happiness every...
Read MoreYour Secrets Keep You Sick
Okay… I guess have to write this post. It’s time I come clean about the fact that I’ve been struggling a lot lately. As I always say here, I wish I could be sunshine and smiles and recovery all the time, but that’s just not what the middle ground is. The middle ground is a labyrinth full of potholes and dead ends and roads that lead you in circles. But if there’s one path that’s guaranteed to take you to relapse, it’s the path of secrecy. I won’t say exactly what’s going on, because I try to avoid mention of specific behaviors, numbers,...
Read MoreNational Suicide Prevention Week: An Open Letter to a Survivor
This week is the 2014 National Suicide Prevention Week. Suicide is a topic that has been hitting home lately, having experienced three brushes with suicide among friends and acquaintances this year, two of which were successful. Suicide is a difficult topic to talk about, because it spotlights what most of us try to run from — our mortality. For me, trying to fathom the literally unimaginable moment I cease to exist brings up something akin to horror. To then grapple with the startling truth that we each have the capacity (and occasionally the impulse) to deliberately launch ourselves into...
Read MoreMidway Through Recovery: What Do I Need?
Throughout recovery from an eating disorder, you need different things at different points of the process. Early on, your needs may be very concrete: you need encouragement during meals, regular check-ins with your support system, a shoulder for the copious tears that accompany recovery. I’ve always found it difficult to articulate my needs; it has been even more difficult to come up with an answer now that I’m here in the middle ground. My needs are less concrete now, because my task is to gradually take responsibility for my own recovery. I need to bring myself to follow my meal plan, even...
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