Feeling Overwhelmed—And a Whole Lot More
I just had “the meeting” with my bosses about leaving again for treatment. They were amazingly supportive, as they’ve always been. As long as no surprises happen on the insurance front, and as long as I’m medically stable enough to be in day treatment, I could start at Monte Nido as soon as Thursday. I got a bit weepy talking to my bosses about the situation, which is very unusual for me. I suppose I’m just feeling fragile today. I’m angry at myself for being back in this position. Sad that I’ve caused my husband and loved ones stress and worry....
Read MoreRelapse: Return to Treatment
I had a dream a few nights ago that I was on a ship docked in a harbor. It was an overcast morning. I was leaning on the railing, watching other ships passing through the harbor as I waited for us to embark. Suddenly, a ship across the way overturned and sank. As the passengers near me on the deck began to panic, the crew assured us that everything was fine and told us to stay calm. It’s better to remain where we are, they said. But I became terrified that our ship was about to go down, too. So, I turned and ran, determined to find a way off. It’s not uncommon for me to dream...
Read MoreA Good Enough Recovery
I say often that I hesitate to admit here when I’m struggling. I say that I don’t want to be anything dimmer than a beacon of a recovery. The thing is, I’m fairly certain that no one expects me to be that. As is usually the case, the only expectations of which I’m falling short are my own. Still, I worry about disappointing people. I worry about not being able to achieve my goals as a recovery advocate and maybe even a clinician. I worry that admitting my struggles will make them more real, or bigger and badder, as if the eating disorder will take on a life of its own...
Read MoreRecovery Is Now
One Friday, about four weeks into residential treatment, I had a particularly bad day. In a moment of distress and vulnerability, I slipped up and used a behavior, which ended up costing me dearly in that very strict, “merit-based” treatment structure. My roommate and another friend rallied around me. That night, the three of us skipped the mandatory family group and camped out in our bedroom, hiding like truant teenagers from the counselors who came around to check that everyone was at the group. We sat on the floor between our beds and played cards, gossiping about our...
Read MoreThank You and Bear With Me!
Hello all. You might have noticed that I haven’t been writing as frequently as I normally do. I have not abandoned this blog! Quite the opposite, in fact — it’s amazing how this blog has become seamlessly incorporated into my life. Writing is never a chore or an obligation. It is simply my mode of being. However, I am also a writer in my professional life. (Which I consider myself very fortunate to be.) The spring months at my job are extraordinarily busy. In addition to the sharply increased workload, I’m taking courses for my graduate program. When I get home after work...
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