Feeling Overwhelmed—And a Whole Lot More
I just had “the meeting” with my bosses about leaving again for treatment. They were amazingly supportive, as they’ve always been. As long as no surprises happen on the insurance front, and as long as I’m medically stable enough to be in day treatment, I could start at Monte Nido as soon as Thursday. I got a bit weepy talking to my bosses about the situation, which is very unusual for me. I suppose I’m just feeling fragile today. I’m angry at myself for being back in this position. Sad that I’ve caused my husband and loved ones stress and worry....
Read MoreA Good Enough Recovery
I say often that I hesitate to admit here when I’m struggling. I say that I don’t want to be anything dimmer than a beacon of a recovery. The thing is, I’m fairly certain that no one expects me to be that. As is usually the case, the only expectations of which I’m falling short are my own. Still, I worry about disappointing people. I worry about not being able to achieve my goals as a recovery advocate and maybe even a clinician. I worry that admitting my struggles will make them more real, or bigger and badder, as if the eating disorder will take on a life of its own...
Read MoreMore Than Weight Had Been Lost: One Year Post-Residential
I sat in the waiting area clutching the hospital gown I had been given, waiting for one of the nurses to call my name. A shoeless girl shuffled by wheeling a pole with an IV bag dangling from the top. A long tube protruded from the IV bag, snaked down the pole, and disappeared into her nose. What am I doing here? One year ago today I was admitted into a residential treatment center in Philadelphia. Emotionally, I was already drained from battling just to get to the facility. I had been told more than two weeks earlier that I wasn’t making enough progress in the day treatment program and...
Read MoreI Am So, So Tired of Recovery
Once again, while I’d prefer to be that ray of sunshine beaming down onto the dark and messy world of recovery, I wouldn’t be accurately portraying the middle ground if I did. Sometimes, this recovery thing really sucks. Fortunately, I’ve been in recovery long enough now that my new behaviors are starting to feel natural. I’m more taken aback to hear my eating disorder pipe up than I am to find myself doing something instinctively recovery-oriented. But still, there are times that I get really, really tired of all of this. Tired of spending five days a week in therapy. Tired of...
Read MoreWalk Unafraid: An Ode to 2015
I’ve never been a resolution-maker. It’s not that I’m against resolutions. I think my reluctance is simply because I know my attention span is unlikely to hold out for 365 days of focus. (As a side note, it’s hard to say whether my deadline-driven writing job I have in my “real life” is because of this characteristic, or in spite of it.) However, given the journey I’ve been on for the entirety of 2014 (and part of 2013), it seems appropriate to reflect on at least a few goals for 2015. And I acknowledge (to myself, mostly) that no goal I set will be...
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