A Good Enough Recovery
I say often that I hesitate to admit here when I’m struggling. I say that I don’t want to be anything dimmer than a beacon of a recovery. The thing is, I’m fairly certain that no one expects me to be that. As is usually the case, the only expectations of which I’m falling short are my own. Still, I worry about disappointing people. I worry about not being able to achieve my goals as a recovery advocate and maybe even a clinician. I worry that admitting my struggles will make them more real, or bigger and badder, as if the eating disorder will take on a life of its own...
Read MoreMore Than Weight Had Been Lost: One Year Post-Residential
I sat in the waiting area clutching the hospital gown I had been given, waiting for one of the nurses to call my name. A shoeless girl shuffled by wheeling a pole with an IV bag dangling from the top. A long tube protruded from the IV bag, snaked down the pole, and disappeared into her nose. What am I doing here? One year ago today I was admitted into a residential treatment center in Philadelphia. Emotionally, I was already drained from battling just to get to the facility. I had been told more than two weeks earlier that I wasn’t making enough progress in the day treatment program and...
Read MoreSocial Media and the Path to Recovery
The Internet and social media have played a complicated role in my eating disorder. In the depths of my illness, I used to scour the web to learn how to become a “better” anorexic. I wanted—I needed—to lose weight, and the Internet, with its a fund of information and hidden pro-eating disorder communities, seemed to be the answer. One day, however, I chanced upon the National Eating Disorders Association website and found myself drawn to the recovery stories. These women and men struggled with food just like I did—and yet their lives no longer pivoted around restrictive food...
Read MoreEnding Treatment, Sink or Swim
Yesterday was my final night of IOP treatment. As of today, I’m a free woman. (Well, other than the thrice-weekly outpatient services that I’ll be doing for the foreseeable future…) As you know from my earlier post, this was technically the second time that I was graduating from Monte Nido. The two departures were, of course, quite different. The first time I left kicking and screaming; this time, I chose to leave. Then, I left with a fight in me; last night, I left with acceptance. I still have further to go in treatment, and I am by no means recovered yet, but I recognize and accept that...
Read MoreWhy I Am Grateful for 12 Years With an Eating Disorder
On Sept. 30 and Oct. 1, I traveled to Washington D.C. with hundreds of other eating disorder advocates to participate in the Eating Disorders Coalition’s fall Lobby Day and to join the first ever M.O.M. March on Capitol Hill (#MarchAgainstED). I’d never done activism of this sort before. So, on Monday night as I was packing for my trip, I Googled “What do you wear to go lobbying?” The answer: “Look good. Damn good. You’re representing millions of people in these meetings.” (But hey, no reason to be nervous, right?) To be honest, the fact that I would...
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