Feeling Overwhelmed—And a Whole Lot More
I just had “the meeting” with my bosses about leaving again for treatment. They were amazingly supportive, as they’ve always been. As long as no surprises happen on the insurance front, and as long as I’m medically stable enough to be in day treatment, I could start at Monte Nido as soon as Thursday. I got a bit weepy talking to my bosses about the situation, which is very unusual for me. I suppose I’m just feeling fragile today. I’m angry at myself for being back in this position. Sad that I’ve caused my husband and loved ones stress and worry....
Read MoreRelapse: Return to Treatment
I had a dream a few nights ago that I was on a ship docked in a harbor. It was an overcast morning. I was leaning on the railing, watching other ships passing through the harbor as I waited for us to embark. Suddenly, a ship across the way overturned and sank. As the passengers near me on the deck began to panic, the crew assured us that everything was fine and told us to stay calm. It’s better to remain where we are, they said. But I became terrified that our ship was about to go down, too. So, I turned and ran, determined to find a way off. It’s not uncommon for me to dream...
Read MoreThe Middle Ground Named Top Eating Disorder Blog of 2015
Well, THIS was quite surprising. This Sunday PsychCentral.com released its annual list of the Top Eating Disorder Blogs — and ranked The Middle Ground as No. 5 on the list! Needless to say, I’m pretty thrilled. Not because of the accolade per se — though, of course it always gratifying to be recognized for one’s hard work. I’m thrilled because it forces me to acknowledge something that I might not have done unsolicited: That I’ve succeeded in forging a new identity. For those of us who have suffered from an eating disorder for many years, one of the hardest parts of...
Read MoreYour Secrets Keep You Sick
Okay… I guess have to write this post. It’s time I come clean about the fact that I’ve been struggling a lot lately. As I always say here, I wish I could be sunshine and smiles and recovery all the time, but that’s just not what the middle ground is. The middle ground is a labyrinth full of potholes and dead ends and roads that lead you in circles. But if there’s one path that’s guaranteed to take you to relapse, it’s the path of secrecy. I won’t say exactly what’s going on, because I try to avoid mention of specific behaviors, numbers,...
Read MoreBefore and After Photos: To Post or Not To Post?
I stumbled upon a before and after picture this morning while mindlessly browsing Facebook. I couldn’t look away. The girl (who I know from treatment) was severely underweight in the photo. I was simultaneously horrified and captivated. For a moment, I was transported back into the eating disorder mindset. I remembered the “good” feeling of seeing the number on the scale drop. I remembered how “accomplished” I felt watching myself shrink. Eventually, I was able to talk myself down from it. I reminded myself that although losing weight did make me feel “good” and “accomplished,” the good...
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