Feeling Overwhelmed—And a Whole Lot More

I just had “the meeting” with my bosses about leaving again for treatment. They were amazingly supportive, as they’ve always been. As long as no surprises happen on the insurance front, and as long as I’m medically stable enough to be in day treatment, I could start at Monte Nido as soon as Thursday.

I got a bit weepy talking to my bosses about the situation, which is very unusual for me. I suppose I’m just feeling fragile today. I’m angry at myself for being back in this position. Sad that I’ve caused my husband and loved ones stress and worry. Disappointed, feeling like a failure. Afraid that insurance will ultimately deny me the chance to do the work I need to do. Humbled by the outpouring of support these last few days, but feeling guilty that I don’t deserve such kindness.

None of this changes how ready I am to go all in and get healthy once and for all, nor does it diminish my certainty that this is what I need to do right now. I just am feeling very overwhelmed. I think these feelings are hitting me now because last week I was trying to hold myself together as I went through the insurance battle. Had my game face on, if you will…

It’s also pretty unusual for me to be so “feely” so publicly, by the way (I’ve been posting to social media often today). But I keep hearing from many of you that being honest about what’s going through my head as the process unfolds has been helpful to those of you in similar situations.

So, bear with me — there’s gonna be a whooollle lot of feeling over this next month…

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