I asked myself today why I’ve been struggling to post here.
Over the summer the reason was obvious — treatment took up most of my time and nearly all of my energy.
Then, once I returned to work and eventually completed treatment, I spent several weeks in a bit of a “funk.” I wasn’t depressed per se, but I was struggling to focus on tasks, big and small. I had to devote all of my energy to the highest-priority items — my recovery and my full-time job.
Thankfully, things have gotten steadily better over the last couple weeks. My mood has stabilized, and with it my focus has improved. Physically and emotionally, I’m doing pretty well. Still, I can’t bring myself to write here consistently.
It’s not as though I’ve stopped thinking about recovery or wanting to share my thoughts and get feedback from the community. There will always be plenty to think and write about while on this path. And it certainly isn’t because I’ve lost interest in this blog — in fact, I’ve been encouraged by my sustained interest in writing for and working with the eating disorder community. This isn’t a fleeting passion.
I realized today that it comes down to fear. That same old fear of vulnerability that so many of us harbor.
The courage to share one’s story
When I began this blog, I had very few readers. Plus, no one close to me read it (other than my husband). But over the last 16 months, my readership has grown (as one would hope it would do for any blog). Moreover, whenever I disclose my journey to another family member or friend, I invite them to read this blog to get a better understanding of eating disorders and my personal experience.
Cue the stage fright.
Now that people are actually READING this, I think twice about exposing myself so readily. I worry that the people close to me will fail to understand, or that they’ll judge me for what I am thinking and feeling in this process. I worry that this blog will reveal how often I still battle my eating disorder, when all I want to is to tell people how well I’m doing and how much progress I’m making.
Most of all, I fear I’ll receive the same criticism that I direct at myself: Just get over it already. It’s over and done with. Move on. Stop indulging your negative feelings.
I know that others’ opinions and potential criticism on this topic shouldn’t matter. I should use my voice anyway and try, for once in my life, to be open and honest with others. But knowing that doesn’t ease the fear.
I suppose that’s why courage — taking action even though you are afraid — is so challenging.
So, going forward, I will try to continue the honesty and vulnerability that inspired this blog in the first place. I realize that sharing my thoughts and experiences is helpful not only to me and my recover, but also to others.
Thank you, as always, for your support <3
113 Days | 14 Hours | 42 Minutes | 9 Seconds
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I'm a writer, a mental health activist, and a 20-something in recovery from an eating disorder. This blog chronicles my journey through the middle ground toward full recovery.
