My Story

Yes, Recovery Really Does Get Better

Posted by on May 11, 2016 in Ins and Outs of Eating Disorders, My Story | 5 comments

Yes, Recovery Really Does Get Better

Pushing Through the Final Phases of Recovery I haven’t written in a while, you might have noticed. I relapsed, and I was too ashamed to admit it here. It was a quick, steep backslide, and the trigger was very specific: I weighed myself. I went home for Christmas and encountered a scale. I thought I could handle the number. I couldn’t. I freaked out. My nutritionist dissected my meal plan in order to show me I wasn’t eating excessive amounts. We discussed the natural fluctuation in weight that bodies undergo. We even discussed weight loss and how it’s not necessarily eating disordered for...

Read More

What an Eating Disorder in Recovery Sounds Like

Posted by on Mar 4, 2016 in Ins and Outs of Eating Disorders, My Story, NEDAwareness Week 2016 | 18 comments

What an Eating Disorder in Recovery Sounds Like

Wait… You’re not over that eating disorder yet? During National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAwareness), I did a fair amount of preaching to the choir about early intervention. Presumably, some of it reached the general public, but since the overwhelming majority of my followers — if not all of them — are people who have been affected in some way by eating disorders, most weren’t new to this conversation. That’s not a bad thing. This population needs education and awareness, too. However, a somewhat jarring conversation at work toward the end of NEDAwareness...

Read More

More Than Weight Has Been Gained

Posted by on Jan 28, 2016 in My Story | Comments Off on More Than Weight Has Been Gained

More Than Weight Has Been Gained

The Road to Residential Two years ago today, at 5 a.m. on a frozen Tuesday morning, my fiancé and I rented a car and drove 100 miles from New York City to Philadelphia, where I would be entering residential treatment for anorexia. I’d been in a day treatment program for a little more than seven weeks by that point, but it had become clear that I needed more help. My weight, already dangerously low, hadn’t budged, so my treatment team determined that my best chance at recovery would be in a 24/7 care facility. I had no idea how long I would be gone. I didn’t tell anyone what...

Read More

Hope and Hopelessness in Early Recovery: A Look Back

Posted by on Jan 8, 2016 in Ins and Outs of Eating Disorders, My Story | Comments Off on Hope and Hopelessness in Early Recovery: A Look Back

Hope and Hopelessness in Early Recovery: A Look Back

I should call the emergency line. I should email my therapist. I should tell [my fiancé]. I know exactly what I should do. I just don’t want to. I don’t want to be stopped. – Journal entry from Jan. 6, 2014 (full excerpt below) On Monday the temperature plummeted here in New York. The smell and feel of the cold air — which has been rare so far this winter — brought me back to January of 2014. It was one of the worst winters in recent years for the Northeast. It was also the winter I spent in residential treatment. It’s hard not to think back on that ordeal this time of year. I...

Read More

Recovery Resolutions for 2016

Posted by on Dec 31, 2015 in My Story | 1 comment

Recovery Resolutions for 2016

Recovery Resolutions I get pretty sentimental around holidays. And since there’s not much else that says “New Year’s Eve” like resolutions and reminiscing on the past year, that’s what this post is about! The year 2015 has been difficult, but in very different ways than 2014 was. In 2014, everything was new to me — health was new, weight restoration was new, honoring my thoughts and feelings was new, relationships were new, even my voice was new (or, perhaps, renewed). The highs were high and the lows were low, but there was something exhilarating about that. The newness of it...

Read More

Is Residential Treatment Worth It?

Posted by on Dec 16, 2015 in Ins and Outs of Eating Disorders, My Story | 3 comments

Is Residential Treatment Worth It?

I recently exchanged emails with a young woman who is entering eating disorder treatment for the first time. She’s working with her treatment team to decide which level of care she ought to start on: partial hospitalization (day treatment) or residential treatment. We’ve corresponded a number of times over the last few months, so she asked what I thought about the possibility of going to residential. She worries about being away from her family and about inevitably having to transition to lower levels of care with less support. The question behind these worries is, “Is such...

Read More